dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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