so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
