please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
