Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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