i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This beer is not sobering me up at all
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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