What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
