There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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