i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
