Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
