i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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