Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
