I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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