made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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