I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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