Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
