Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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