My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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