Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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