he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
