I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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