i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
