glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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