Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
