I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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