I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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