I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
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I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
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At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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