Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
