I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
