so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
