He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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