why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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