she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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