i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
