Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
