he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
