I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I checked into jail on foursquare
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
