i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
