I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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