ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
