do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
