FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
