We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
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im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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