i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
