you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
