My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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