i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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