I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
