Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
