the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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