Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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