Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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