Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My vagina just recognized that song.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
