my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
