what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
