I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
