Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
