my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
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We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
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I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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