i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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